Insights
Burnout Diaries
May 16, 2024
Feeling completely drained, staring at our white bedroom wall, it dawned on me: “Sh*t, not again. I’m in my second professional burnout!”
In April a whirlwind of flu symptoms pushed me over the edge, plunging me into a full-blown burnout episode. Numbness on one side of my face, blurry vision, migraines, and brain fog engulfed me. It was unmistakable—I was burnt out, once more.
As I blankly stared at the wall, I drifted away, recalling the words of my Y11 geography teacher…
"Poonam, if you keep pushing yourself like this, you'll pay the price in the future."
Given that it’s Mental Wellbeing Week, I figured it’s a good time to reflect on my recent experience.
My first encounter with professional burnout was back in 2016. Long hours, late nights, the hustle of London, endless commuting, corporate pressures, hormonal imbalances, and a heap of unresolved trauma threw me into a downward spiral of despair and depression. I needed a change of scenery, a space to breathe, or I knew this cycle would repeat itself. So, my partner and I decided to leave London and start our own business. We sought autonomy and flexibility to handle life’s challenges better. I tackled my burnout through healthy habits like proper nutrition, exercise, and a more manageable workload. I also learned to navigate my PCOS and insulin resistance, which previously hindered my mood and productivity.
Fast forward six years, and here I was again, but this time it felt like my own doing. Despite being familiar with burnout and its triggers, I somehow found myself back in its grip. Frustrating, to say the least.
One definition struck a chord: burnout described as a 'brain injury.'
In my typical studious manner, I delved into podcasts and articles on burnout to decipher what went wrong and how to bounce back (quickly). One definition struck a chord: burnout described as a ‘brain injury.’ It felt a bit dramatic at first, but the health professionals talking were not joking. Apparently, your brain shrinks in size during burnout (hence brain fog/brain confusion) and can mirror similar processing impacts to people involved in a head collision. Recovering from burnout can take months even years.
So, how the hell did I end up in this state again?
You swap one stress for another.
Running a business doesn’t mean escaping stress; it just introduces a different kind. Sure, autonomy and control over your destiny help, but recent years have thrown unprecedented challenges our way. The pandemic shook everything we knew, intensifying my stress levels as we navigated uncharted territory in the market. Add renovating our property into the mix, and it was a recipe for disaster. Coming home to more stress and decision-making only fuelled the burnout cycle. I wasn’t giving myself the chance to switch off and rest.
Over reliance on Google and Instagram.
During renovations, I found myself endlessly scrolling for the perfect bar stool or door handle, keeping my mind wired well past bedtime. My perfectionism was spiralling out of control, as I got more and more obsessed over the endless choices at my fingertips.
Underestimating the importance of rest.
As a perpetual high achiever, rest never seemed like a priority. Add societal and South Asian cultural expectations into the mix, and burnout was almost inevitable. Growing up, I never truly saw my parents take time for rest and relaxation. My Mum juggled cooking, cleaning, work, and family responsibilities, while my dad worked tirelessly, often without much choice in the matter. As a result, I didn’t have the opportunity to witness a healthy approach to rest in our household.
Navigating adulthood in 2024.
Observing my cousins’ struggles growing up, adulthood seemed simpler in retrospect. As part of my recovery, I started to indulge in some light reading, reminiscing about my love for girly magazines. Exhaustion seemed to be a recurring theme in every article, reflecting the tumultuous times we live in.
Creative slump.
As a Creative, I’m no stranger to highs and lows, it’s what makes us great at what we do. But the pressures of running a business, coupled with ongoing house renovations and a strained relationship with rest, left me feeling creatively bankrupt.
Armed with newfound insights and common sense, I've made some crucial changes to aid my recovery:
Podcast: Fried
This podcast was a lifeline. As an academic, hearing researched explanations for what I was experiencing validated my feelings and provided clarity. Have a listen here: https://www.friedtheburnoutpodcast.com/
An episode I particularly enjoyed was with Leah Steele. Listen below:
Therapist/Coach
After a false start during the pandemic, I finally found a therapist specialising in work-related mindset issues. It’s early days, but having this support system feels proactive. And I’m genuinely curious what I will discover about myself, my childhood, my British & South Asian identity and how it will shape my understanding of the world going forward.
Setting Work Boundaries / Being honest
Working with our project manager to establish better balance and boundaries with clients has been crucial. As a chronic people-pleaser, it’s a work in progress. Additionally, I’ve taken the initiative to have open conversations with our key clients, fostering deeper mutual respect. This transparency has encouraged many to reciprocate by sharing their own experiences, highlighting that self-care is a struggle for everyone.
Social Media Detox
Deactivating my personal social media accounts was tough but necessary to curb comparison and doom-scrolling. It’s only been a few weeks, but I already feel a difference in my mental clarity.
Prioritising Play & Rest
Rediscovering my Nintendo and immersing myself in cosy world gaming like Animal Crossing has proven unexpectedly soothing. However, I must admit, Tom Nook and his persistent demands to contribute to island life can sometimes be a source of frustration – let me live my Moana life Tom! Nevertheless, enforcing a one-device rule i.e. watching a film means not looking at my phone at the same time has significantly improved my ability to stay present and engaged in the moment. It has also helped reduce my brain ache.
Nourishing My Body
I’ve revamped my diet to prioritise fruits and fibre, aiming for diversity to boost gut health. Experts say eating 30 different plants a week can boost the diversity and health of your gut microbiome (also described as your 2nd brain), so I’ve made various changes to my diet from smoothies to diversifying each meal. It’s a small change, but I know it’s going to make a difference in the long run.
While I'm far from fully recovered, I'm making progress. Burnout isn't something to be taken lightly, and I'm learning to be more mindful of my limits. In a world that constantly demands more, consciously slowing down is essential for our well-being.